Do not keep it too long

When I was 19 years old, I met a guy who changed my whole life.  He was 26 years old at that time.  He was thin and handsome.  His skin is white, his eyes are black, and he looks more handsome when he is smiling.  I met him at a ceremony.  He was smiling and his eyes were staring at me.  I smiled back at him and said hello to him.  We introduced ourselves to each other, and had a conversation.  That was the first time we met.

On another occasion, we met again.  At that time I was going to my campus, and he offered to take me to my campus on his motorbike.  “I don’t mind if you want to accompany me,” I said.  On our journey to my campus, we talked and had a conversation.  He asked me what time I would go home from my college.  I told him the time, and I was not thinking that he would pick me up.  The next day he picked me up again at my campus after he had called me before and waited for me in front of my campus.  He always stared and smiled at me, and I felt uncomfortable at that time.

Day by day, he sometimes still picked me up at my campus and I was not able to refuse it.  He was so kind to me, and I began to worry about that.  One day we found something interesting in our conversation.  He said that he was fond of hiking and asked me to go hiking together.  “Oh.. me too I love hiking!” I said “may I invite my friends to join us?” I asked him.

Finally, we went hiking together with two of my friends.  We rode two motorbikes.  He and I were on one motorbike, and my friends were on the others.  We spent one day and had some fun there.  In the afternoon we went home.  He and I were still on one motorbike.  At that time on our journey, the sky was dark and suddenly the rain fall hard, so we stopped our journey for awhile.  He took his raincoat and gave it to me.  “I had already worn a jacket” I said, but he still insisted me on wearing it.  Speechlessly I put on that jacket, but I felt so special at that time.  The rain was hard, I had two jackets but he had no jacket on nothing except a wet t-shirt on his shaking body.  I saw his hands were shaking and I was a little bit worried about him.

After hours, we finally got to Pasar Baru Tangerang.  My friends went home.  He dropped me home.  Before I left, I told him that he didn’t need to pick me up again at my campus.  “I just want to be independent” I said.  He was quite for awhile.  His face was gloomy, and his body was shaking.  He still insisted on pick me up, but I said again “no”.  He stated that he wanted to make me happy.  I answered “if you want to make me happy, just let me be independent.  You do not need to pick me up at my campus, ok!” I said.  His face became pale and after awhile he said with a soft voice “I love you”.

I was not too surprised to hear that, because I had already known and guessed his feeling.  I said to him honestly that he was the first man who was brave to express his feelings to me, but I couldn’t accept his feelings because he had not known me a lot and neither had I.  Then he stated “that’s why I want to know and understand you more”.  “You don’t know who I am and you will never understand me,” I said “a feeling is feelings.  If you take your feelings seriously it become serious, but if you take your feeling enjoyably you will feel more comfortable” I said again.  I didn’t know what kinds of feeling that I felt at that time.  I acted like a powerful girl who did not care about love.  Then I said again that I had already liked someone else. He was a friend of mine who accompanied our hiking, but I convinced myself and him that my feeling was just a feeling.  I wasn’t trying to make my friend become my boyfriend or whatever.  I just want to release my feeling.  He quite still, his face was still gloomy and pale.  His body shook and began to drink a cup of hot tea that I had served for him.  Before he went home, He still insisted to pick me up at my campus.  Finally, I said ok if he promised to pick me up on Tuesday and Thursday not everyday.  He kept his promise, dropping his motorbike at my house and went home on foot.

The next day he came to take his motorbike at my house and offered to take me to my office.  I accepted it after I refused it for the first time.  He was a brave gentleman in my eyes at that time.  Besides, he was the first man for me.  He was also someone who still came to see me after his love was refused.  On Monday night he came to my campus to pick me up.  He broke his promise and I really did not like it.  So, I decided to go home by my self taking the public transportation and left him alone in front of the campus.  How selfish I was, and I knew I hurt him so much.  At that time, for me promise is a promise, and people will think that I am a strict girl.  However, I said sorry for what had happened to him at last.

He often came to see me at night to share stories and problems at work.  Sometimes I felt bored, annoyed, and I didn’t know why I felt angry, resentful or hate him without a specific reason.  One day at night, he came to my house to share his problem.  It was 10:30 and I was almost in bed to sleep, but I went out to see him still and began to listen to his serious problem.  My thinking was tough at that time; I thought in my mind that his problem wasn’t a big problem at all.  I thought everyone could solve their problem by themselves and they shouldn’t find someone else to solve their problem.  This made me a little bit disappointed of him.  I thought he was weak and not strong enough to face a problem, and the way I solved his problem at that time was quite cold and tough.  How selfish I was, I told him that he always brings bad news every time he came to see me and never brings a happy story at all.  Next time if you come to see me, please bring me good stories.  That was the last sentence that I told to him before he went home.

After that, I did not see him for a long time.  I had forgotten him for awhile and continued my life without him.  However, the last words that I spoke to him made me feel guilty, and I always remember him.  I blame myself once and thought that I wasn’t a good friend at all, and I wanted to meet him again to say sorry.  Every time I had a problem I would remember him and remember my mistake.  It was very painful for me, and I tried to contact him again.  We met again for several times, but the situation was always not right for me to say sorry to him.  I hated him once, but now I felt really guilty.

One year passed, I hadn’t said sorry to him and this year was the most difficult year for me.  My family had a financial problem.  I must earn more money to help my parents, three family members of my mother’s sister and I also have to pay for my college.  I tried to sell anything or tried to find a part-time job, and it made my study neglected.  The same thing happened at my work place.  Everything mixed up and problems were everywhere.  Moreover, the situation in my family made me worse.  My parents always fought with each other because of the condition at that time; my father become sensitive, and was always angry if he faced a problem.  My mother sometimes gave up and always complained about the condition of my father’s behavior. She sometimes said that she wanted to die.  I know they were all screwed-up, but these conditions made me stressed and depressed.  I sometimes cried aloud alone on my bed without any body knowing it and at that time I would think about him.  My guilty feeling went deeper when I began to realize that anyone needs to share and needs a shoulder to cry on.  Even though, they can solve their problem by themselves.  At that time I really need someone to listen to me.  I became weak and lonely.  I really felt alone, useless, and lost as a human in this world.  This thinking made me painful, and I ever thought of committing suicide once, the foolish thought that I ever had in my life.  But something crossed my mind that made me realize that what I would do was wrong, it was him, I hadn’t said sorry to him.  Then I tried hard to overcome in that problem, finding out the giant inside me, tried to think that I was once precious person in this world.

The economic condition of my family gradually got better.  My heart was still fragile but I had the power to stand up and continue my life in this world.  I still saw for him, tried to see him and contact him by using any reasons.  I waited for the right time to say sorry and ‘I must say sorry’, I thought.  It would relieve the pain, and made me forget him soon.

Until one day, he asked me to have a holiday with his friends going to a beach and I had the chance to say sorry to him, but still I couldn’t use that chance well.  ‘I can’t wait again’ I thought.  ‘How stupid I am if I still keep this guilty feeling in my mind’.  Therefore at night I sent him SMS telling everything that happened to me, I said sorry and I felt guilty.  What I want was a forgiveness which I heard from his mouth.  Finally he called me and said “I had already forgiven you and everything that had happened was done can’t be undone. Maybe it was my karma”.  It was such a beautiful word that I had ever heard in my life that made me cry at the same time I felt relieve.  I cried for my new happiness but something seemed lose in my heart.  There was something stolen from my heart.  It was him and I realize that I was in love with him.  People say that the hatred can turn into love and love can bring happiness into the world.

ooO0Ooo

Parkit’04